Circle 31 Podcast

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Kendra LeGrand: All right. Welcome to episode three, week three of Breaking Free from Body Shame Circle 31 Podcast. We have been highlighting a few of the stories from the roundtable. We heard Melissa on week one. We heard Taylor from week two, and now we get to hear from Shae for week three.

And, Shae, something that I really resonate with you is the whole idea of looking at our body like a project that's talked about in Jess's book. And then also you wrote something on one of the many docs that we've been working on, getting ready for content, and I loved it. And it was the whole idea of forming a new relationship with our body as we age or our season of life changes. And so I know you're gonna speak a little bit to our body as a project, but just give a little bit more of your story, and we would love to hear it.

Shae Hill: Okay. Sounds good. So I think growing up, I talked a little bit about this in our, like, roundtable discussion, but I wouldn't have, like, said I'm like, oh my gosh. Like, body shame is my issue, but I can look back through so many different seasons of, like, growing up and playing sports, even, like, growing up with a sister, just, like, growing up in general, just those normal kind of, like, growing experiences. And I do feel like I had certain things that were really pivotal to, honestly, reaching a place in my twenties where I was like, this is, like, a real issue for me, especially through, like, 2020, spending a lot of time at home.

Kendra LeGrand: Yeah.

Shae Hill: Like, all of that kinda coming to a head and then just being, I think, single in your twenties and just trying to navigate, like, so many just, like, growing up dynamics. But, I can definitely look back on hurtful conversations I have with people that, I do think, like, love me and have my best interest at heart, and I don't think they meant anything by it. But, like, conversations that didn't go well of, like, coming home from college and, like, Christmas break. And it's like, oh, you have probably been you look like you've been hanging out at the sorority house a little too much. You know, like, those kind of conversations that just, like, didn't go well.

And it was almost like, one therapist puts it as, like, the music was turned down and the lights came on, and I, like, definitely felt it was like my shame, like, was kind of verbalized from my inside thoughts to, like, external conversations of, you know, people being like, I'm worried about your health. I want you to be you know? So I've had, like, that experience. I've had, like, dating in your twenties and feeling like that's a funky place to be in.

You know? And you're, like, wondering, like, was that guy not interested in me, like, because we're not a good match? Or was it, like, you know, he doesn't like the way that I look or, you know, like, that kind of thing. So I've had that experience, or even just feeling the pressure of, like, being engaged and or I guess I should say the potential pressure of being engaged and looking at, like, your wedding coming down the pipeline and being like, okay.

Like, what am I gonna do? What's my response gonna be? Like, we all have had, like, friends in that season that have really, like, responded different ways. And so I feel like I've had a bunch of different experiences to the way that, this topic of body shame can come up. And, like, I feel, like, a lot more aware, but I don't always feel like I'm making progress.

I can, like, feel like I'm in a good place, then all of a sudden, like

Kendra LeGrand: That's so real.

Shae Hill: Be getting ready for work, putting on clothes, and all of a sudden I'm like, oh my gosh. I'm not having a meltdown, but I'm having, like, a meltdown a meltdown adjacent.

Jess Connolly: Yeah.

Shae Hill: Something very similar to a meltdown.

Kendra LeGrand: Yeah. I'm not I'm having a meltdown.

Shae Hill: I'm not having a meltdown. Exactly.

And then it's yeah. Just certain moments where I just feel triggered. You know? Like, getting ready for work or, trying to plan, like, outfits before I go on, like, a girl's trip or an anniversary trip or really anything. I just there's certain situations that I just, like, I feel like I'm confronted with something, and then there's even, like, maybe a little bit of, like, shame that's, like Yeah.

I know better, but I don't feel better. And so talking about, like, your body as a project, I just I, like, know my body is not something to fix, but this it does feel like an ongoing thing that we maybe, like, wrestle with throughout our lives. Like, I just like, I guess I mean, not to get too deep, but, like, I think there can be sin rooted in body shame, but I don't know if experiencing body shame is sinful. I don't know.

But I'm I guess I'm just so I guess I'm asking, is this something we struggle with our whole lives? Or is it something we truly can, like, be freed from?

Jess Connolly: Okay. Let's do that business.

Shae Hill: Yeah.

Jess Connolly: Okay. Well, let's start first with, is feeling shame about your body a sin? So yes. Our friend, Joel Muddamalle.

Shae Hill: Yes.

Jess Connolly: Would I think he would say no.

Shae Hill: Yeah. I think so too.

Jess Connolly: Feeling shame about feel a feeling. First of all, is a feeling.

Shae Hill: Yeah.

Jess Connolly: Synaptic experience of being a human

Shae Hill: Yeah.

Jess Connolly: In a fallen world. So how we respond to the feeling could be can become either a sin, an agreement with a lie, or an agreement with a truth. And so I think you're saying something really, really, really important because, most women that are gonna feel shame in their body it's funny, we asked in the roundtable, when did you first hear this message? The truth is none of us can remember the first time because it was unfortunately probably so young that we heard a negative message about our bodies or about bodies in general that we can't remember. We don't remember when the music was turned on.

It was just always on. Yeah. We don't remember when the song started playing. We just grew up knowing the lyrics. So feeling that way based on what we've been told is not a sin.

Now what we get to do with it now becomes, like, will we agree with truth or not? Right. Then to answer the question from my perspective of will it always be this way, I wanna say that there, you know, there's levels. There are, unfortunately, levels to body shame. I would say the very first level, any shame at all, is not good.

It's bad. It's brokenness and it's heavy. So I'm not saying like some of us have it worse than others. I'm saying there are certain lies that become cemented into the fabric of the way that we live and the way that we move, and they take they take different approaches to walk in freedom from, you know, in the way that our friends who would maybe be experiencing, disordered eating or something like that.

Shae Hill: Right.

Jess Connolly: That is gonna just take a different approach to healing than maybe someone who is at the beginning of struggling with this journey. All that being said, I do think freedom is possible. I'd I would not be a good news girl if I sat across the table from anybody and says, like and said, you're always gonna feel this way.

And I love sharing my own personal story to say, like, I really do love my body. And even when it experiences brokenness, I feel like I'm in a place in my life, not depending on how it looks or how it's operating, that I can look down at and truly feel affection and love toward my body. Now that being said, there are still times I feel insecure.

There are still times, I feel frustrated about the brokenness of my body. Last week, I just I noticed myself saying, I have bad eyes. I was like, I've got bad eyes. And my friends my friend was like, are you kidding me? Did you really just say that?

Like, we don't talk like that. And I was like, you're right. I don't have bad eyes. They are getting older. So, they are weaker than they used to be, but they are still good.

You know? I but I think we need to give people hope to say, no. I do actually believe the way that you feel about your body can change. And here's my last thing. The good news is when you encounter a new struggle in this area, when you find yourself like, oh, interesting.

I feel shame about this part of my body and the way that it functions that maybe I didn't feel in the past. I would actually take that as good news. I'm not struggling the way I was. Oh, look here. Interestingly, here's a new lie for me to rewrite with truth, which means I'm gonna actually go to a whole new place of freedom and authority.

Shae Hill: Yeah. That's so good. I feel like you're saying so many good things that's just, like, really helping me because I think I've been combining too many things into, like, one thing where it's like, okay.

I am living in freedom, but that also means, like, ins I'm not gonna be, exempt from insecurity. You know what I mean? Like, I can have a moment of insecurity coming up, and I don't have to, like, freak out over that and think, like, but I was doing better, that I was living for like, it doesn't always mean you're going backward. It just means, like, it's still sign that, like, we live on Earth. You know?

Jess Connolly: Yeah.

Shae Hill: And so I feel like that's a lot that that brings me just a lot of, like, honestly, further freedom. I think of just realizing, like, it is there is an element of progress attached to this. As I think it's important for people reading this book too, you know, no matter where they are on their own journey because it's, like, you will like, reading this book and, like, finishing the last page and closing it, like, don't be caught off guard if you are getting ready for work one day and you're, like, flooded with insecurity.

It doesn't mean that, like, these words weren't true for you or that, like, you aren't living in truth. It's, like, you're just having a moment. You know? And but I think allowing for both to coexist is really good.

It's, like, I'm choosing to, like, refuse shame and live in freedom and come into agreement with what God says. And also, I'm not gonna, like, stuff my feelings when something comes up. You know? I need to process both and hold both.

Jess Connolly: So good. And it kicked the enemy in the teeth to say, like, hey. My body is not a project. So me I'm not gonna, like, get ready for my wedding in the same way that I'm not gonna get ready for summer, in the same way that I'm not gonna feel pressure about, a family gathering or about the holidays approaching. And in the same way, the enemy is not going to make me feel like by the time I'm 40, I shouldn't be totally over this issue. Or that by the time I'm 50, I don't wanna be struggling with this anymore.

Shae Hill: Exactly.

Jess Connolly: You know? I'm not gonna yeah. I'm not gonna I'm not gonna trade one shame for feeling shame about struggling with something that is very, very, very human.

Shae Hill: Yeah. A hundred percent. And, like, yeah, I just remember entering that season of engagement, and I just knew. I was like, there's two paths this could go. And I was like, I number one engagement is such a busy season anyways.

And so I was like, we really don't need to add, like, one more thing. I was like, let's, like, just pursue this season of life like we would any other season. You know,

Ellen Adkins: What a gift, though, that you were able to see that at that time. I think it's so hard to recognize, like, something almost like, okay. Here's an issue that's coming down the pipeline.

Like, I can either choose one way or another. So I think that's really God's grace that you were able to kind of be clear headed in that moment and say, wow. I can sense myself being very tempted towards responding in a negative way that I'm --

Shae Hill: Yeah. In an unhealthy way. And only I feel like you and your own self-awareness and what the Lord can know what unhealthy looks like for you.

But I do feel like I know when those certain things are coming up for me. It's like I, yeah, I just feel like I act out of what my norm what I know to be true for myself. And I just remember, like, trying to make that really hard internal choice of, like, I'm not going to live in a way that is unsustainable for this, like, short season because I if I start to obsess over it, like, it's just not gonna put me in a good place.

Ellen Adkins: I think sometimes growing in those areas just means, like, you're able to see that a lot quicker. Yeah. You know? Or you're able to identify or take those thoughts captive a lot quicker, the older you get and, like, the more you mature and grow.

Shae Hill: One of the only ways I feel like I knew is because I've been down that road. Like, oh, I've not made it not made that healthy choice. You know? So it's like you learn by experience. One of the things that I was, like, processing before this conversation, we kinda talked about, like, you know, I'm calling it, like, avoid falling into project mode with our bodies. You know?

But I had a question of just, like, beyond, like, just refusing to fall into, like, shame or, you know, anything like that. When we are refusing, like, our bodies to be to put our bodies in, like, project mode, there are certain situations or maybe some relationships make this harder where I will catch myself in, like, a situation or a conversation where someone else who's on their own journey might say something that's triggering to me. Like, a classic example could be, like, a girl's weekend, where it's, like, you take these, you know, group of adults that have, like, kinda their own norms of how they do life, you know, whatever. We're all friends, but then we all go on, like, a weekend. And then by, like, the end of the second day, someone will say something like, oh, my gosh.

We've just eaten so much food. Or, you know, just those kind of things. And that's just an example. I know that can be silly, but truly, for me as someone who struggles in this area, something like that can feel so triggering.

And so I just didn't know if Jess or really anyone that wants to answer, like, like, how do you respond in that way to, like, refuse going back into, like, project mode shaming, all of that in your own journey, but also, like, love that person well who's on their own journey. And it's like, I guess I just feel I feel sensitive to stuff like that. I pick up on it, and I can pick up on when I know someone's not in a good place. You know?

But they may not know that. But, yeah, how do you, like, self-regulate? How do you not get triggered? How do you love that person well?

Really, anything in that conversation.

Jess Connolly: Man.

Shae Hill: Do you all know what I'm talking about? Okay. Okay.

Ellen Adkins: I'm I can think of, like, specific scenarios.

Jess Connolly: Yeah. I'm and the girls' trip is a great one. Like, oh, we've eaten so much. And I'm always like, to be honest, I'm still hungry.

Kendra LeGrand: Yeah. I don't know. I could do a little more.

Jess Connolly: Yeah. I could actually eat more. I do know that conversation. But yeah. Okay. So a couple of things.

Number one, you asked a great question. How do I self-regulate? So that is that is actually the first question. Like, how do I remove myself even maybe into my own thoughts if I can't physically get away to say, like, oh, scan.

That hurt that was hurtful or that rubbed me the wrong way. I do not wanna live into this. What am I feeling? Like, what is true? How do I wanna respond?

It's such a good question. Like, I would say, can you remove yourself for thirty seconds, or can you just go into your mind palace and talk to the Lord for a second? You know what I'm saying? That is such a good question. This then then I think we've got some options.

So after that, I think depending on our intimacy with said person I do think it's almost always helpful to never have this conversation in the moment, which is hard. That's so true. You have to either have it before. So maybe even if you have a friend that is always making comments like this before you go on the girls’ trip, going to her soft and low and saying, I'm not saying there's something wrong with you.

I'm not saying even that what you're saying is wrong. I'm saying, I wanna let you know where I'm at. And then sometimes it hits me the wrong way. Would you just love me well, and can we just watch our language when we talk about stuff like this?

So in the same way that, you know, if we're disciplining kids or we're teaching kids, training kids, doing it in the moment is almost impossible. So that would be one option.

Shae Hill: That's helpful.

Jess Connolly: If it's somebody that you don't feel like, you know what? I don't feel like that's gonna go well. I feel like that's gonna put me in a bad spot even if I come in soft, even if I come in humble, even if I make it about me. It's gonna be painful for them. I think having a response that feels truthful to you that can deflect the situation is really helpful.

So it can be as simple as saying, like, oh, we're not gonna do that today. You know? Or, like, I like to make jokes. I like to make it light. Humor.

Yeah. You know? Or, you know, if somebody is like, oh, we're all being so bad eating, you know, eating dessert. I'll be like, really? Not me.

You know, like, just keeping it chill, like, even at like, and kind of I think help, like, some of the situation. It's not like –

Shae Hill: We are on vacation. Yeah.

Jess Connolly: You know? Yeah.

Or like, watch me, Lord, I'm about to get a whole another brownie. You know what I'm saying? I don't something that can that can help diffuse the situation and chase it up. And then the most helpful tool, honestly, that actually teaches people really well and is very awkward is to leave a conversation. And so I had people that I've had to I've had to, like, clearly communicate this boundary and say, I just wanna let you know, I'm not gonna say anything in person.

I'm not gonna correct you. I'm not gonna talk to you about how I feel tender anymore. But when I just straight up walk away, you're gonna know what is happening.

And I had someone in my life that I had to communicate that to, and it was someone who lived long distance. And I said, what you're gonna notice is gonna happen is I'm gonna hang up the phone, and I will just hang up the phone. I won't say bye. I will just hang up the phone. If the conversation goes to my body in a way that is unhealthy, I don't consent.

And I don't find that rude. I actually find it disparaging to talk against the Lord's beloved. And I don't wanna in the same way that if somebody was gossiping nastily in front of me, I wouldn't engage with it.

Because I don't speak against the Lord's beloved. So if somebody's doing it to me, I won't engage. And, again, I don't find that rude especially if it's a boundary I've communicated in the past.

And then and then as difficult it is as it is, you know, people get to decide if they wanna stay in a relationship with you, based on that boundary.

Shae Hill: Yeah. I think, ultimately, what it comes down to for me is, like, refusing to put my body in project mode. Means that I don't have to earn fill in the blank thing. And I feel like you've talked about this a good bit on social too, Jess, even, like, saying, like, I don't yeah.

I don't have to earn fill in the blank. Like, you know, and because it's like, I'm if I'm already starting from a place that my body is good, I've come into agreement with that with the Lord, and it's like I don't have to, like, get ready for or earn the, like, vacation or earn the dessert or earn it's like, no. We're already starting from that place. And when you already say you're starting from that place, you are able to make such level headed life giving decisions for yourself and also get honest about what feels like nourishing to you and what where you're what in a season where what you have to give, you know, rather than having to overcompensate for what you really don't have to give and deal with all that.

So I think that's really helpful because it's also very practical to just dynamics that come up when you're, like, on this imperfect journey and you wanna, like, love yourself well and others well and the Lord well, you know. So that's really helpful. Thank you.

Ellen Adkins: That's great, Shae. Thank you so much for sharing. I think this is one of those episodes that we should all probably just, like, say for ourselves because it's one thing you hear and you're like, yes. Absolutely. And then next week, you need to be reminded of it.

So, yeah, thank you again for sharing, and we do look forward to next week on this –

Kendra LeGrand: I know last week, that's the last week.

Ellen Adkins: Yeah. All right. Bye, everybody.

Kendra LeGrand: Bye.