Circle 31 Podcast

Note: Please note that the text below is an uncorrected transcript of the audio captured for this podcast. We pray the Lord uses these words to bless you as you seek Him!

Kendra LeGrand: All right, everybody. Welcome to another episode of Circle 31 Podcast. And what I love is we don't it's not really a tagline, Ellen. But I know.

Ellen Adkins: What is it?

Kendra LeGrand: I'm gonna tell you something that you might wanna start, like, bringing in more.

Ellen Adkins: I can't wait.

Kendra LeGrand: Okay. Sometimes you just need a reminder that everyone else is trying to figure things out like you.

Ellen Adkins: Oh, yeah. I love that.

Kendra LeGrand: And I feel like that's what Circle 31 Podcast is.

Ellen Adkins: Oh, my goodness. That's one hundred percent.

Kendra LeGrand: Okay. So that's what we're gonna roll with. We are in week two. Our guest poster, if you're in the Circle 31 community, is Taylor.

Taylor Stuart: Hey, guys.

Kendra LeGrand: Hey, Taylor. And she was part of the roundtable with, other girls and author Jess, who is here with us as well. And so, Taylor, we would love for you to share a little bit more about, what you shared at the roundtable. I know you mentioned hurtful comments, infertility. So anything about your story, and then, we just love to learn a little bit more about you.

Taylor Stuart: Yes. So I shared a little bit about my journey with infertility. And the biggest places came up to me. I was reading your book, Jess, and one of my favorite things that you talked about is misnaming. I remember because my infertility journey, I say we've been struggling with it for three years. I have been struggling with this mindset since I was 18 years old.

And I remember I was sitting in my dorm room in college, and the name that I had given my body was unworthy. And that sentiment made me trade it for what I thought was love. And so I remember sitting in my room terrified that I was going to get pregnant, and the thought popped into my mind of, is this going to be my consequence in the future? Like, is God gonna keep me from getting pregnant when I'm finally ready? And I do it the right way.

And flash forward, I am this is two years ago, and I'm sitting in my bathroom with my twelfth negative pregnancy test. And I'm like, oh my gosh. This is my consequence. It actually happened. And this is my burden to bear.

This is my punishment for my past sins. And I remember talking I went to counseling, and I was talking to her about this. And she's like, what do you know about God? Like, what does his character say you are? Like, what does he name you?

And that was such a journey for me because I was like, all about my body's unworthy. It's not holy. And I think being able to switch it around of what God says I am, and you would talk about a lot, Jess, about what God names our body, and I just had to repeat that over and over to myself. And it's still a journey I'm on today.

Like, every time a new month rolls around, I'm just like, oh my gosh. Is this still my fault? You know? So that's kind of the journey I have been on.

And, I don't know. Whenever I get to the space of wondering like, okay, God. If this isn't a consequence, what do you say I am? I actually go to, the woman with the issue of blood found in Luke 8.

And she's not one of our, overcoming infertility heroes like Sarah, Rachel, or Elizabeth, but I do think that she had a lot of names for herself of, like, being unworthy or broken. And the sentiment she, like, gets on her hands and knees and she believes if I can just touch the hem of Jesus, then I will be made well. And I'm like, that's such a hero statement for me. I'm like, if I could just believe just a little bit of Jesus could not just heal me, but heal my mindset, then I will be made well. Like, my body, I said this a little bit in the round table, my body may not give me the title or the name mom, but God can.

Even if it's not in the timing or the way that I expect, like, he can rename my body. Not to be unworthy or unworthy being a mom or unworthy of having, like, a holy body, but to be worthy of being everything that he's called me to be because he made me that way.

Kendra LeGrand: That's so good, Taylor. That's so good.

Jess Connolly: I just wanna highlight. I love how you just said our infertility, like, heroes in the Bible. I'm not sure what phrase you just used. And I've never heard anyone highlight that, but I was recently reading Hannah's story in the Old Testament.

And I was thinking how much the Lord highlights for us in scripture women who are struggling to get pregnant.

Taylor Stuart: So much.

Jess Connolly: And none of them are about their own sin.

Taylor Stuart: Yeah.

Jess Connolly: None of them. Yeah. Which is wild. Yeah. You know? And I just I know that our mind fills in the blanks so often. But when we shake our heads and take a few steps back and we realize that we live under the effects of a fallen world and we ask what is God's posture toward that, I do believe it's just compassion.

You know? I do believe it's just compassion. And so I just I wanna even just say to you right now, you are already the way you talk is the way a mother talks. The way you talk is the way a mother talks.

And that's what we see in Hannah's story, that she gets to such a broken place that she's like, God, I would give you this baby back. I will give you this baby back, which is actually all motherhood is anyways. And so the wrestling that has happened spiritual motherhood.

It's leadership. It's so beautiful. It's kingdom minded. And I hate that you know the pain of it. And I hate that you're experiencing it.

And I believe God, it grieves his heart too. And yet, like and yet in that way, this brokenness that you're experiencing through the effects of a fallen world in your body is bringing about some leadership and beauty in the way that you talk. I'm just I'm so grateful that you let us hear from you about that and learn from you about that.

Taylor Stuart: Thank you so much.

Kendra LeGrand: I do wanna talk about how you're talking that marked moment in your bedroom, I think, in your dorm, when you were 18. And that's just something that you continually tie back to. Or you go back to in your mind. And I just feel like we might all have that moment or we all have something that we're tied back to. And so what do we how do we break free, for lack of a better term, of that?

Like, how do we keep the 18-year-old Taylor and not bring her into, you know, a beautiful 30-year-old Taylor, not to give your age, but you can just celebrate your birthday. You're welcome. So how do we how do we break that? So you're not longing, you know, so you're not with her anymore?

Taylor Stuart: Well, going back to the woman with the issue of blood, I think my favorite moment is whenever Jesus calls her daughter. And she's the only one that we see recorded to be called daughter. And I every time I read that, I cry and get emotional because I'm like, man, that that is who I am. That is the truth of my body and why God created me and this journey that I'm on.

Like, before I'm mom, before I'm Taylor, before I'm a worker or whatever else, a sister, like, I'm a daughter first. And that is the main point of my identity. Like, you say in your book, like, our bodies aren't the most interesting thing about us. The fact that I am a daughter of God is the most interesting thing about me. And so I think every time I go back to that girl, like, I wish I could go back and just sit with her on her bed and be like, girlfriend, like, you're a daughter first.

Like, this does not define you. Like, God is looking at you with loving eyes as a father with compassion, not anger, not disappointment, not disgust, but as a as somebody worthy to be called his daughter.

Kendra LeGrand: That's good, Taylor.

Ellen Adkins: As you're talking, I'm reminded of that, verse in Romans that talks about it's the kindness of the Lord that leads to repentance and how I know in my own life, I can just so easily look at maybe my current situation and say like, oh, wow, was this because of some sin in my past?

But I know that like God does not withhold from his children good things, you know, like what father, when his child asks for bread, it gives a snake, you know, that's not how God is. And so, yeah, I was just thinking about the idea of like God's kindness even if we are not, like, following God

Taylor Stuart: Right.

Ellen Adkins: The way we ought to. So good.

Jess Connolly: Yeah. I'm reminded of another person in Romans too. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, for the law of the spirit of life has set you free from the law of sin and death. So if I could go back to 18-year-old you or 18-year-old me, that's what I would say. Yeah.

There's therefore now no condemnation Right. For those who are in Christ Jesus. Thank you, God. And thank you, God, that also second Corinthians five seventeen is true too. That if anyone isn't in Christ, they are a new creation.

The old is gone and the new has come. And so the sins of our past are literally as far as from the East and the West. And to doubt that or to contend with that and to believe that God would punish us for that is actually to doubt the work of the cross.

Taylor Stuart: That's the good reason.

Don't have to, like, we don't have to bargain with God about our lives. And, you know, if I do this, will you do this? And I just I'm so thankful that he's really a good dad and not a genie in a bottle.

Taylor Stuart: Yes. Yeah.

Definitely. Yeah. Yeah.

Ellen Adkins: Well, Taylor, I like so every time I hear you talk about this, I feel like I am left more encouraged and confident in the goodness of God. And my hope would be that anybody here listening, like if you are maybe just like caught in the cycle of shame of thinking, man, these maybe trials or struggles or suffering that you're experiencing now is because God is punishing me or maybe all of the good things that you do now, you're trying to like earn back God's favor, earn fresh standing with him.

Just, I hope that Taylor's story and Jess, everything you said is deeply encouraging to you and that you are able to walk away and really just resting in the freedom that comes from the gospel, knowing that there's nothing that you can do to earn God's love or favor, and there's also nothing you can do to lose it. So again, thank you so much for sharing. Jess, thank you for being on this podcast, and we'll see you all next week for another episode.